There is a priest in the off-license, buying two bottles of whiskey. His face is pasty and pocked with blotches. His hands tremble as he struggles valiantly to count out his notes and coins. On his third attempt, he reaches the correct amount. Even though he has not yet had his first drink, the physical and psychological changes that come over him are instantaneous and dramatic. His posture improves from pathetic to near heroic. His hands and voice cease their trembling. He even makes a joke at his own expense to the man behind the counter. I watch as he strides out into the night. A moment ago he was sick and desperate, clinging to life and sanity with the most tenuous of holds. Now, his whiskey in hand, he is saved, buoyant with hope.
The man behind the register, in contrast to the priest, has started his evening out splendidly. Not a thing in his world is amiss, until I point my gun at him.
“Empty it, son. Or I will ruin your night.”
I thoroughly enjoyed this.
The portrait of the old priest is stellar, and the last line totally unexpected. In between a man’s life turns on a dime. Well done.
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I’m happy you enjoyed the story. Many thanks for reading.
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The twist came unexpectedly. Nicely done… 🙂
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Robberies are usually unexpected. I was trying to capture that feeling. Many thanks for reading, Maniparna. 🙂
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Well…I certainly didn’t see that coming. Well played, O, well played. 🙂
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Thank you. I wanted the reader to feel the surreal shock the man behind the counter felt. Glad you enjoyed the story.
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My pleasure…I did enjoy and was shocked. 😊
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Great description and final surprise
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Many thanks, Derrick.
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Now who’s going dark? Had me riveted. And here was me just listening to Mark Knopfler’s “Cleaning My Gun”!
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It may have been your poem that steered me down that path. Knopfler is amazing. I first listened to “Brothers in Arms” when I was eleven or twelve and I listen to it still. Many, many strong memories associated with that album. Many thanks for reading, Kathleen.
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I always loved, “Sultans of Swing” way back when, but never followed Dire Straits or Knopfler, until we came across “Kill to Get Crimson” at a charity shop. Played it, fell in love with it and now we’ve got four of his albums. Every single song is amazing. Love “Redbud Tree” and “Privateering” and “Secondary Waltz” especially.
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Incredible guitarist. I believe he played on one of the Chieftains albums as well.
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I must have that then, because I think I’ve got most of them, including “Boil the Breakfast Early”.
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haha, that was unexpected. Nice.
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Thanks very much, glad you enjoyed it.
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Excellent writing!
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Thank you very much, Karina. 🙂
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Ah, it all makes sense! The narrator’s profession is one which is reliant on details, for in order to do what needs to be done, his surroundings must be studied. You are extremely skilled in detracting the reader’s attention from the story’s true revelation! Like a magician, your “slight of hand” fooled me. Bravo, darling! Superb. 💫
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You know me so well, thank goodness. I’m relieved the story came across the way I intended. Thank you, Rose, for your magical words of encouragement, you sorceress, you. 💕
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Haha! If I’m a sorceress, you’re a thief — you’ve stolen my heart with your great talent. xo
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Quite a turn in events for him. I’d do what you said. Cool story, I didn’t expect the end at all.
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I’m glad you enjoyed the story, it was fun to write. Thanks for reading.
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Quite a shock at the end, for the reader as well as the man on the night shift. Did U catch up to the rejuvenated priest and confess afterward?
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Haha, never. 🙂 Thanks for reading.
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An excellent piece of writing. Bravo.
It’s good to be back Oglach.
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Excellent to have you back, Alan. It just hasn’t been the same without you. I’m looking forward to seeing what you’ve been writing.
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I like! Is this part of something longer? Really nice, vivid characters in few words. Well done.
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I wrote it as a stand alone story, but the characters do interest me. If something unusual and original comes to mind, I may use them again. I’m very glad you enjoyed it, thanks for reading.
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Reblogged this on HemmingPlay and commented:
This is a short master class in creating vivid characters. Great work. 🙂
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Thanks very much for the reblog and kind words. Much appreciated.
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That’s why I don’t work the night shift; I work the graveyard shift. Those psycho priests get violent when they don’t get their booze! 😀 Excellent imagery and storytelling.
~PR
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Oh, Donovan. You say the creepiest things. 🙂
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😀 😀 Stop making my bone cheeks blush!
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I didn’t see that ending coming…i enjoyed the fact that you tricked me there with your ending..
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Glad you liked the story, Mich. Thanks for reading.
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Ooh, I liked that loads, it surprised me
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Glad you enjoyed the story. Many thanks, Madeleine.
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Holy fuck, nicely done oglach 😀
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Many thanks! 🙂
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