In My Absence

“When I came back to Dublin, I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.” —Brendan Behan

This last time I was courtmartialed, I was found guilty of fostering poor morale and shot. I didn’t take any of it very seriously or personally, as I had been courtmartialed many times.

But the first time was the worst.

I felt that I had been a fine soldier, and was shocked and frightened upon being told I was doing a poor job.

(You see, it’s the fight in you that they want, but it’s also what they fear.)

I did the sensible thing and fled to America.

I was very excited. In America, I had been told, you could be yourself, and as if that wasn’t enough, all of the beautiful women there after hearing your accent would throw off their clothes like so much confetti.

The legends were true.

But as is my custom, I ruined it for myself when I went to the cinema alone one night to watch “Home Alone.”

“Home Alone” is a film about a little Irish boy whose family fuck right off and leave him by himself so that they can go on holiday, something that happened to a great many of us during the Celtic Tiger economy.

At first, he is delighted to be well rid of them.

Then, some buffoonish villans with strange accents invade his home and attempt to murder him approximately ten thousand times.

You would think he was a goner, but he is  a resourceful little bastard. He invents all sorts of booby traps to keep the invaders at bay.

At long last, he wins his valiant fight.

Or so the filmmakers would have you believe.

The bad men keep coming back and what was originally meant to be a stand alone film was turned into a franchise.

It’s all about the money.

Everyone else was enjoying the film very much, as they didn’t know what it was really about.

I myself was gutted, wept inconsolably, and had to be escorted from the theatre.

I returned home.

There is no use in hiding.

 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

35 Responses to In My Absence

  1. inesephoto says:

    A tough Irish boy he was 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. michnavs says:

    What a beautiful story …

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That Brendan Behan quote is funny! Your story cracked me up so much — “I was very excited. In America, I had been told, you could be yourself, and as if that wasn’t enough, all of the beautiful women there after hearing your accent would throw off their clothes like so much confetti.
    The legends were true.”

    LOL! Well, America isn’t called “The Nude World” for nothing. 😀 Take a bow, Og, you killed this!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Monochrome nightmares says:

    A truly memorable story Oglach.
    Really did enjoy. 😀
    Love the BB quote.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. The introductory quote is great! 😀

    I watched the film, and honestly, I enjoyed it. Such an intelligent and adorable boy he was! But this story of yours has thrown some different lights on it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. skat says:

    You’re getting very surreal now. I’ve only ever seen clips of the film, but you’re right, he is a “resourceful little bastard”. I’m still trying to work out the “I was shot” bit.

    I’d love to section your brain.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. skat says:

    P.S. I am not a doctor.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Great story! And the thing about american women being totally crazy after irish accents reminds me of one of my favourite films “Love…actually” where a young man discovers this also to be totally true (although he´s english and therefore has a much less nicer accent of course 😉 ).

    Liked by 1 person

  9. This has to be the BEST review I have ever read about Home Alone….Unfortunately, I may now have to go watch it again with this post in mind….

    Liked by 1 person

  10. sheldonk2014 says:

    Really great story
    As always Sheldon

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ellen Hawley says:

    I love the Brendan Behan quote.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s