Good morning, and welcome back to Na trioblódí, your only source for all the news that’s shit to print.
Today, we’ll be going live to our man in Belfast, Nigel Trevor-Smythe, for a less- than-in- depth analysis of the ever-worsening political situation in the occupied northern six counties.
“Nigel, can you hear me?
” Yes, Óglach. I’m here at Stormont, the largest brothel in Ireland, where political tensions continue to mount as DUP leader Peter Robinson has suggested excluding Sinn Féin from Stormont, following the murder of ex-IRA man Kevin McGuigan, Sr., which was supposedly carried out in retaliation for the murder of Gerard “Jock” Davison, also an ex- IRA member.”
“I don’t quite follow; what are Mr. Robinson’s grounds for excluding SF from the executive?”
“According to the PSNI, who keep changing their story, which is entirely out of character for them, the murders were carried out by members of the Provisional IRA, which Mr. Robinson believes is the paramilitary wing of SF; therefore, Sinn Féin is in direct violation of the Good Friday Agreement.”
“Does the PIRA even still exist?”
“Of course it does, you twit! There’s all sorts of IRA people out there; you’ve got your “Real” IRA, your “Continuity” IRA; and after years of bang-up sleuthing, the PSNI even discovered something called the “Roth IRA”, which at first they thought was a Jewish/Irish paramilitary group, but later discovered that the initials stood for “Individual Retirement Account.” It’s still pretty bad, though.”
“Nigel, this is why you got the axe from the BBC. You’re not focusing on the story, and quite frankly, you’re being insubordinate.”
“Sorry, mucker, but you’re the one having an imaginary conversation with your alter-ego.”
“Well played, sir. Can we just go back to the existence of the PIRA?”
“Well, obviously there are many men and women in Ireland who were once members of the Provos, and some of them continue to get up to some dastardly deeds from time to time.”
“I used to be a Boy Scout. I took off my uniform when I realised that even though some women like a man in uniform, it’s not a Boy Scout uniform. If I commit a crime, does that mean that all former Scouts are criminals?”
“Of course not. That’s a terrible analogy, by the way.”
“Nigel! I’m trying to do the news here. What is Sinn Féin’s response to Mr. Robinson’s allegations that SF was involved with the death of these two men?”
“Well, Gerry Adams said that the IRA was not involved.”
“But Gerry Adams was never a member of the IRA; how would he know?”
“Nigel! Can you hear me?”
“Yes, I’m afraid I’m not going to dignify that with a response.”
“Fine, then. Can you at least give me your opinion on Peter Robinson’s true intentions regarding this issue; he obviously doesn’t care that either of these men were murdered; so what’s he up to?”
“I thought this wasn’t going to be an opinion piece, but alright; I’ll give you my thoughts and then I’m getting out of here; two potatoes a day is not enough pay worth dying over. I believe that Peter Robinson is trying to change his legacy.”
“Currently, he is known as a founding member of the DUP, along with Ian Paisley, and also a founding member of the Ulster Resistance, which collaborated with the UDA and UVF. He once described loyalist paramilitaries as being “counter-terrorists”, and is also a world-renowned cuckold.”
“So, what will his change of legacy be?”
“Well, if he succeeds in running SF out of Stormont, he will go down in history as being the greatest recruiter of “dissident republicans” of all time. I’m out. Nigel Trevor-Smythe, Na trioblóidí.”
Thank you, Nigel.