Irish Ancestry

I recently watched a television ad by a popular genealogy website.

It featured a man who grew up thinking that he was of German descent; he belonged to a German dance troupe, wore Lederhosen, and all of that.

Then apparently, according to this man’s testimony, he had his DNA tested via this company’s services, and found that he was not German at all; he was was descended from Scottish and Irish people. And so, he traded in his Lederhosen for a kilt. Not a bad trade; I’ve worn a kilt a few times myself; the only downside is that someone always asks you what you wear under said kilt. The proper answer, of course, is—

“Your mother’s lipstick.”

I’m hugely in favor of people researching their ancestry, but I also like to help people save their money; so here follows a few tips about determining if you’re of Irish descent, without paying for a DNA test.

1. You constantly refer to your mother as a saint.

2.  Your mother is actually a saint, because she loved you even though, well…you’re you.

3. You complain about the stereotype of Irish people drinking excessively.

4. You drink excessively.

5. You call yourself agnostic or atheist, and then start praying like a soldier in a fox-hole when things go sideways. After you’re okay, you go back to the rational train of thought.

6. You know deep down inside, there is no such thing as a rational train of thought, and couldn’t give a fiddler’s fuck.

7. You once fucked a fiddler.

8. You once stood between two Aran Islanders at a urinal while they were having a heated debate over whether James Joyce wrote Ulysses or his wife , Nora Barnacle, wrote it for him, and you didn’t say anything.

9. After a couple of more pints, you said something; your comment required a textbook to decipher.

10. You’re reading this.

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